


screaming color

by mildlydiscouraging



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Dan Has Lots of Friends, Families of Choice, Gen, I Got Sad About This Past Year, Introspection, Platonic Relationships, Reminiscing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-11
Updated: 2015-06-11
Packaged: 2018-04-03 21:45:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4115968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mildlydiscouraging/pseuds/mildlydiscouraging
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>dan's not really the kind of person to get overly sentimental and want to document every memory he has (a bit ironic since his job is basically just that), but he has the feeling he's going to be using this camera a lot now.</p><p><i>"you take a picture and someone hands you the polaroid and you put it in your pocket and you find it later ... and i think there’s something kind of poetic about the idea of your memories being something you want to hold onto, preserve, and not misplace."</i> -  taylor swift</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> (i got emotional abt dan's birthday, sorry.)
> 
> title from "out of the woods" by taylor swift which is the inspiration, fuel, and ANTHEM for this fic. (however, "[i see love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfpKLd3gmyg)" by passenger is also very good with this, jsyk.)
> 
> i realized i hardly ever write anything gen anymore (which is a bit weird for me, grey-aro ej) and i also just want to write dan having a good time bc he understands me and i love him a lot and i just want him to be happy (went on [a bit of a rant](http://juhbluh.livejournal.com/19369.html) abt this the other night, actually). so here's the product of my entire wednesday.

Always late for everything, Dan doesn't get around to doing any spring cleaning until a few weeks into June. It gives him a feeling like an itch, like he has to clean everything until it goes away. It's a kind of motivation that he's unused to, but he cleans the entire lounge in under an hour so he'll take it.

Phil tells him he’s just trying to distract himself as he goes around watering all his precious houseplants, but Dan ignores him and goes back to sorting through the papers on and in his desk. A lot of it's scraps of paper with video ideas scribbled on them, itineraries for events long since over, and the occasional drawing from either a fan or Darcy.

Halfway through one drawer, however, is something new. What he finds is a stack of pictures, polaroids, all of different people and places. Flipping through them, Dan finds himself reliving the memories captured by them.

His eyes slide from the pile for a second and latch onto the empty bulletin board in the corner. It only takes him a little while to find the container of push pins usually kept in the lounge that had ended up next to the bathroom sink.

Sitting on the ground, he lays out all the pictures and start pinning them to the board, remembering the story behind each.


	2. II

**phil, laptop in hand, standing in the door and looking like he’d just been caught unaware**

It had been a present from someone at a convention, something Dan had been genuinely thankful for at the time but that'd quickly gotten lost in the ever growing pile of gifts. In fact, it might not have even been his, it might've been given to Phil, he doesn't know. At some point he stopped caring what exactly was meant for whom, since they all ended up spread around the house anyway.

He didn't find it again until two weeks later, when he started running out of clothes and had to finally unpack. Nestled between pairs of dirty socks and those tiny shampoos Phil always insisted on stealing was a little polaroid camera, white and covered with little stickers and doodles.

"Phil." Dan leans his head out the door to yell down the hall, "Did someone give you a camera at VidCon?"

"I don't think so," comes Phil's answering yell, "That's probably yours."

"Hmm," Dan says, mostly to himself. There's a box of film wedged in beside it and it isn't that hard to figure out how it works. He snaps the film into the back and gets rid of the casing as he says, "Hey Phil, you wanna come in here?"

"Why?" Phil questions, but Dan can hear him walking down the hall anyway.

As soon as he appears in the doorway, Dan holds up the camera and snaps a picture.

"Good," Dan says as he shakes the polaroid and smiles at the developing picture.

It's a weird angle, since Phil's standing and Dan's on the floor all the way across the room, and Phil doesn’t look anything remarkable (in fact, he looks a bit stupid, it's hilarious), but it's a good enough picture to keep.

"What was that for?" Phil asks. He looks only mildly confused by the flash, still standing in the door and holding his laptop.

"I needed something for my first picture," he explains, "and I figured you'd be as good of a subject as any. Great photo, by the way."

He hands the little polaroid to Phil, who looks just as unimpressed as he does in the photo.

"There's nothing I can do to convince you to get rid of this, is there?" Phil waves around the picture and eventually hands it back.

"Nope, no way," Dan grins and puts it safely on the dresser above him. Phil only rolls his eyes and heads back to the lounge, saying something about dinner as he goes.

Dan's not really the kind of person to get overly sentimental and want to document every memory he has (a bit ironic since his job is basically just that), but he has the feeling he's going to be using this camera a lot now.

 

**a group of people seated around the kitchen table, completely engaged in the board game in front of them**

“Who even picked this game?!”

Phil grimaces, ducking behind Dan as he feels the rest of the table playfully glare at him.

“It’s a good game, I swear!” Dan doesn’t appreciate the yelling  _directly into his ear_. “It just doesn’t work that well with a lot of people, apparently.”

Everyone’s too involved with the game to see Dan snap a picture the next time he comes back from the kitchen with more snacks.

 

**hundreds of pastel pink and purple balloons crowded up against a ceiling**

“That’s lotion, Phil, don’t eat it.”

“What?”

 

**phil with cat whiskers, scrunching his nose up and sticking out his tongue**

As soon as they get all the way through the end tag of the video, Dan starts laughing and can’t stop.

“It’s just so surreal, you know?” He says once he can breathe again, “I mean,  _six years_. How did we manage that?”

Phil leans back on his hands and pretends to ponder it for a moment. “Probably the Sharpie fumes still,” he decides, “We’re never sober enough to realize what we’re doing is actually insane.”

It’s enough of an explanation for Dan and he nods before saying, “Now give me back my shirt, I feel weird in a color.”

 

**pj with a pair of headphones around his neck, a rack of colorful costumes in the background**

The smell of paint and mulch is immediate as Dan steps into what PJ calls “the production room” but in actuality is just a broom cupboard off to the side of the building.

“Welcome to Oscar’s Hotel!” PJ makes a sweeping hand gesture to indicate the props and costumes around them.

“This isn’t all of it,” he adds upon seeing Dan’s politely questioning face, “this is basically just the storage room. But I wanted to start here because this is, well, where it all started.”

PJ shuffles his feet anxiously as Dan looks around. Every piece of neon fur and corrugated cardboard and draped costume  _feels_ like PJ, like every single thing in the room has a little part of him in it.

Dan smiles, pulls the camera out of his pocket, and holds it up.

“Say cheese.”


	3. III

**louise and jack and dan and phil, all dressed up, taken from above with a red carpet visible behind them**

Movie premieres are still so fucking weird. Louise and Jack are behind him, talking to Carrie or someone else, Phil is fiddling with the sleeves of his button-up, and there are people on the other side of the barrier that are calling his name instead of literally anyone else there.

He turns to say something to Phil, only to see him holding Louise’s purse and pulling out the camera again.

“Quick, selfie!” He holds up the camera as high as he can (and he’s really tall, so it’s _high_ ) and Dan is happy and surprised to find his smile doesn’t feel forced.

 

**a silhouette in front of a misty green and grey background**

The pockets of Dan’s new jacket are just deep enough to fit the camera and he only feels half weird taking it with him. It makes it harder to fit his hands in there, which he regrets once it starts getting colder, but he deals.

“Hang on,” he says half way up, and Phil stops a few steps ahead of him.

“Any particular reason why?” Phil says once Dan’s done. He’s gotten used to the random polaroids at this point, not questioning Dan’s “two steps to the left, wait no, back the right, okay stay right there” and instead just going with it.

“Aesthetic,” is all he says, shaking the picture and putting it back in his pocket.

 

**a pile of bright blue clothing on the floor of the living room**

Phil sighs and falls face first onto the sofa.

“You know we’re still gonna have to fold all this, right?”

A groaning sound from the pillows.

“The internet is going to see your dancing forever now.”

More groaning.

 

 

**dan and phil, leaning back on the sofa**

The next time Dan looks at the clock, he's a little disappointed to see it's only been five minutes since the last time he checked.

"When's the show supposed to start again?" Phil asks as he comes in the room carrying a bowl of popcorn.

"Another fifteen minutes," Dan says, sounding extremely disappointed. Once again he proves that time goes as slow as possible when you're waiting for something.

"At least we're home to watch it live for once?" Phil offers, "I mean, we've been so busy lately..."

"It's nice to just relax," Dan finishes for him.

Leaning over Dan to reach the side table, Phil grabs the little polaroid camera. It's lost most of it's decoration at this point, and Dan's had to buy several more packs of film, but it still ends up just lying around the house like Dan said it would.

"Commemoration," Phil explains, "Our first free weekend in probably five months."

Dan leans in to fit in the frame and only gets partially blinded by the flash. When he shakes the photo to get it to develop faster, he notices the color is slightly different, more vibrant. He must've bought the wrong kind of film.

When he point it out to Phil, he says, "Like that Taylor Swift song, the one about the woods or something," before the show starts.

Later, when Dan looks up the song and reads the lyrics, he agrees.

 

**shadows on the bedroom ceiling**

The clock reads “7:13 AM” and Dan can already hear Phil bumbling around in the kitchen, probably eating the closest box of cereal. He starts singing some Spice Girls song, not that loud, but it echoes through the otherwise quiet apartment.

When he wanders down the hall, Dan calls out, “Pretty sure that’s not how Mel B intended for that song to sound.”

Phil startles and almost drops his mug of tea on the hallway carpet.

“Sorry,” he whispers and pushes up his glasses from where they’ve slipped down on his face a little, “I didn’t mean to wake you up. I just got up early and felt productive for some reason.”

“It’s fine,” Dan sits up in bed, blinking at the light coming through his blinds.

At that, Phil’s eyebrows knit together. “Really?” He walks in the room and sits at the foot of Dan’s bed.

“Yeah, I dunno why,” Dan yawns and checks his phone, “I have been going to bed earlier, maybe that’s it?”

Phil shrugs, wrapping his hands around his mug.

“Do you want some tea too?” He asks. His glasses are mildly steamed up from the hot tea.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

**a judgy looking dan in a christmas sweater with a bow stuck on his head and chopsticks full of noodles halfway to his mouth**

“This needs to be documented.”

Dan looks up from his takeout carton to see Phil holding the camera in both hands.

“What does?” He asks as he keeps eating. Not even threat of photos will keep him away from his chow mein.

“This.” Phil leans across the table and sticks one of the many bows scattered across the apartment in his hair.

The eyebrow raise he gets in return is legendary.


	4. IV

**phil making a face like a blowfish on the other side of a fancy microphone**

The second someone mentions that it’s called a pop filter and Phil starts making noises. Dan draws the line when he starts doing the thing where he sticks a finger in his mouth, sucks in, pulls it out to make the popping noise.

“Professional actors, Phil, keep it together.” That gets him to shut up. He apologizes for getting spit on the filter and one of the interns just smiles politely and replaces it. Dan chokes on his water a little when he sees the intern turn around and immediately sigh.

“Professional actors, Dan,” Phil adds helpfully as Dan laughs and dribbles water onto the carpet.

 

**louise on the sofa, surrounded by pillows, and a blur in one corner**

Louise comes over one day, Darcy in tow, to watch Tangled for the three hundredth time.

“I don’t mind it as much,” she explains, “but I’m pretty sure even our neighbours know the entire script by now.”

Phil for one is absolutely over the moon about it. Dan’s not sure, but if he had to guess he’d say Phil’s equally excited about seeing Darcy and seeing Tangled again. The amount of effort he’s put into preparing for them to come over is impressive, from spending half an hour standing in front of the microwave popping popcorn to building in the lounge the biggest pillow fort Dan’s ever seen.

By the time Louise and Darcy arrive, it looks like they’re already living in the fever dream of a toddler. It only takes two seconds for Phil and Darcy to become occupied by exploring the pillow fort, leaving Dan to play the part of adult.

“He’s quite excited, isn’t he?” Louise remarks as she takes off her coat. She’s wearing a dress that looks remarkably like the one in the movie and, when she notices his questioning look, she explains that it is.

“Darcy’s got one just like it,” she points out, “I warned you, she’s _really_ into it.”

At that point Darcy runs up and attaches herself to Louise’s leg, babbling about "look what Phil’s done to the pillow fort" or something. While Louise nods attentively at her story, Dan looks over and sees Phil sitting at the entrance of the fort. The grin on his own face is reflected on Phil’s and a feeling that can only be described as _family_ rushes through his veins.

Darcy runs off again, this time to help Phil put in the movie, and Dan and Louise sit down on the couch, looking over them fondly. Dan notices the camera on the end table out of the corner of his eye and picks it up. Louise turns to smile at him just as the shutter goes off and Darcy runs past again to throw herself into the fort alongside Phil. It might just be the sepia tone of the film, but even the picture echoes the warm feeling he feels inside. It’s a good feeling.

**space walls**

“By the way, happy birthday Jack.”

Jack tips his invisible hat as he says, “Thank you very much, Daniel.”

Phil laughs at Dan’s faux disgusted face before Louise pulls him back into whatever she’s got on her phone.

“Birthdays are weird though, aren’t they?” Jack remarks and leans back against the elevator wall, “Like New Year’s but more important. Your own personal New Year’s. Damn, now I’ve gotta make a resolution.”

“I’m terrible at keeping resolutions,” Dan adds, but then he thinks about it more. Maybe he isn’t so bad at it anymore.

**a reflection in the giant mirror of dan sitting on the floor in a fancy jacket, his face covered by the camera**

Buying this giant mirror was one of the best decisions he’d ever made.

Especially ever since he got this camera and his hipster status increased tenfold, it’s come in handy. It helps with his working on being able to look himself in the eye and like what he sees.

“Dan, we need to go now probably. Being late for the Brit Awards would be... bad.”

It helps.

**‘the amazing book is not on fire’, a tilted look from below**

“Do you think this is how parents feel when holding their child for the first time?”

The second they’d gotten it in the mail from their publisher (their _publisher_ ) Phil had torn off the brown paper envelope and cradled the book in his hands.

“It’s not even actually _our_ book,” Dan says, “you know that, right?”

Phil sigh, pursing his lips and rolling his eyes at Dan. He keeps turning it over and over in his hands, and Dan understands the feeling.

“‘Something real, something physical, that you can have and hold‘, right?” He picks up the other end of the book, both of them holding it up together. It feels heavy and solid in his hands, the weight of it significant even though it’s not even actually their book.

When he looks up, Dan sees his own manic grin reflected on Phil’s face.


	5. V

**phil sitting on top of a giant suitcase and trying to zip it shut** ****  
**sneakers on one of those moving walkways**  
**phil asleep on a plane, a sunset outside the window behind him**  
**too many cherry blossom trees**  
**mimei showing phil how to actually use chopsticks**  
**rain from the inside of a clear umbrella**  
**duncan imitating the giant charizard statue behind him**  
**skyline horizons and rooftop gardens**  
**a sleepy phil under two equally sleepy kitties**  
**all four of them in front of an airport**  
**phil from behind, trying to unlock the front door while also balancing a bulging suitcase**

Dan wonders what he did that was good enough to deserve a best friend who spontaneously buys the both of you tickets to go to Japan for a week and a half.

He also wonders what he did to deserve such terrible jetlag. It’s already been two days and he still can’t sleep at anything close to a normal time, even for someone like him. Half the time he wakes up leaning sideways on the sofa, propped up against an equally sleepy Phil. It’s an even trade for all the memories.

 

**a solitary cloud seen through the budding green leaves of a tree**

“Aesthetic, Phil.”

“I wasn’t gonna ask.”

 

**dan in his pyjamas, backlit by the computer screen in front of him in the otherwise dark room**

Phil figures out how to turn off the flash. The camera stays on the coffee table almost permanently now. Dan doesn’t notice, too busy with the book, which still a thought he can’t quite process. The _book_. He finds the photo on his bed later that night and he wedges it carefully in the stage copy of their book. _Their_ book.

 

**four pairs of shoes lined up on the grass in front of rows of white tents**

They have a break from their constant filming while Phil and Dean go off to film their “thing” so they end up sitting on the ground against the flower-covered wall.

“If this is your life every day, I’d be okay with stealing your place,” Jack says.

Dan doesn’t mean to but he starts thinking about it. The interns that know him by name, the worn tape on the plastic cases that say “DAN AND PHIL” in black marker, standing side stage for Fall Out Boy. Phil and Dean wander back with their cameraman and saying “their cameraman” doesn’t even phase him anymore. This is his life. And it is pretty great.

 

**blurry fields outside a moving train window**

“Aesthetic?”

“Aesthetic.”

Phil leans back against his own seat and rubs his eyes. Even Dan's eyes are starting to hurt after staring at his laptop screen for an hour and a half straight.

"It probably wouldn't kill us to take a nap, right?" Phil yawns half way through Dan's sentence. "I'll take that as a yes."

Another good thing about having a best friend like Phil is they'll let you use them as a pillow. As long as you agree to be a pillow too.


	6. VI

By the time he’s done, the entire bulletin board is covered in pins and photos and places and people. Leaning back against the foot of his bed, Dan takes a moment to take it all in. It’s a lot of stuff for only one year.

“If you don’t come out here already, I’m eating your cake without you,” Phil’s voice floats out from the lounge. Just that morning he’d had to hide in his room when Phil brought it in, the thought of another year passing weirding him out. Sighing, he stands and goes to hang up the board on the wall above his dresser. All those photos...

“Alright, I’m coming, calm down,” he says as he picks his way across the room and through the piles of unsorted junk on the floor. Sometimes he wished he could actually clean instead of just sorting out things and putting them away in places that were probably where they were supposed to go.

He’s thinking about what Jack said all that time ago about birthdays being your own New Year’s when Phil starts singing slowly and ominously, threatening to start without him even though it's  _his_ birthday.

“Two seconds, jeez,” he says, flicking off the light. He gets to the mostly dark lounge just as Phil finishes lighting the candles and starts singing in earnest.

 _Resolutions_ , he thinks to himself, _I might be able to do that_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading this. 
> 
> what started out as me wanting to write a little happy thing for dan's birthday turned into all three thousand words of... well, this.
> 
> if i'm being honest, i did cry a little bit writing this. aaand here comes my own introspective bit.
> 
> i've been watching danisnotonfire videos since the very beginning (they seemed less cringey then, i swear) and seeing both how far he's come and how far _i've_ come makes me a little emotional. or a lot emotional. i'm emotional just writing this, tbh.
> 
> what i'm trying to say is i'm proud of everything he's done in his whole twenty-four years on earth, or at least in the six that i've known of him. hopefully i'll be able to say this to him in person one day but, if i can't, i'll just say it here.
> 
> thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> again, thank u all for reading this. the flow of it works best as separate chapters, but for easier reading i suggest hitting that "entire work" button.
> 
> tumblr @[dweebhowell](http://dweebhowell.tumblr.com)


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